A Life For Itself

Category: blog

Blog Entries

  • #30WriteNow – October 3

    It’s wonderful to have someone in your life who knows you in and out and when it’s time, will call you on all of your excuses you put up. This is especially helpful for a writer. Even with all of the great courses available to help you get over writer’s block, fake it out, avoid it, jump over it, whatever, it’s still sometimes hard to face the blank word processor.

    The problem is it can also be quite painful to have someone who knows you so well, they know all of your excuses and when you’re driving up the highway at 75 MPH and just feel the need to vent, can call you out and down to the carpet. Who will let you vent but make sure once you feel better, you’re up for some sort of action behind it.

    The kind of person who will tell you you’re trying to stay in your comfort zone.

    Feels good there. Nobody can criticize or hurt you there. You can be safe there. You don’t grow there, unfortunately, and you can atrophy and die there.

    I’m there.

    I couldn’t even tell you the year I stopped writing poems. One day I just did. When I was a teenager just beginning to write poems, there was a return of joy when I would write one. As I inched into adulthood, that joy lessened. Especially when I’d workshop a poem in the group I was involved in. Poetry was something I liked as an exercise when I was younger. As an adult, it just dragged me down.

    This is not a good place to be when you’re beginning to feel like you’re missing it and want to pick it back up but have lingering doubts that overshadow any feeling of joy you might feel for the simple pleasure of writing a poem again. In the comfort zone, you don’t have to overcome that and fight for that happiness and joy again. No, you have the TV and other interests to distract and even pacify you, somewhat.

    In the comfort zone, you can write plays and put them into drawers. Write essays and leave them in Google Drive or post them on your website that you don’t promote. No need to worry about people reading them there.

    That’s where I am and that’s what it’s come to. Not exactly how I envisioned my writing life at this age, but that’s where it is.

    The question posed to me yesterday as I balled down the highway was: will you bet on you?

    Damn.

    It’s one thing to ask whether you’ll try writing something and sending it out. Or will you perhaps begin again to work on a monologue and perhaps run down to a photographer and get a new headshot.

    Will you bet on yourself?

    Will you give yourself permission?

    Permission to take those evening hours and make something and share it. Permission to say, “here I am, yep, this is me.”

    It’s easy to make that weekly TV schedule, DVR your shows, and get ready to watch, when you haven’t taken a step towards the life you say you want but feel like you haven’t the foggiest how to get there. That’s being overwhelmed. It’s easy to curl up with a blanket at that point.

    Betting or permitting require more courage. Require you to dip that toe out, with the possibility there not that it’ll get bitten off by an alligator, but that your toe will get swept up in a wave, flinging your whole body into a larger, yet wonderful world that you don’t know. It’s always the not knowing that’s the “but.”

    Still, though, that’s where the life is. It’s not in here, it’s out there. The question is how long can you stand the pain of being stuck. Of perhaps wanting to be stuck.

    What is the point of staying, though?

    What do I have left to lose? More days? Is it an easier feeling to think I may one day check out of here without seeing my name on the spine of a book? I used to run into the Borders books in Downtown D.C. (I think it was at 14th and I, NW) and nurse a dream of seeing my name on the spine of a book. I think I left that dream outside of this bubble. It might not be out there waiting on me still, but I wonder if there are 10, 20, 50 more waiting there to take its place.

    I’m going to ask myself these questions during devotions tomorrow morning. Do I have it in me to bet on myself to succeed at this? And can I give myself permission to? Come back in 6 months and see if I have any new publications listed. You’ll know the answer then.

  • #30WriteNow – October 2

    My devotions time this morning was awesome again. Deciding to spend time each morning in quiet, meditation, affirmation, or whatever spiritual thing I decide to do, has yielded some great benefits. I’ve felt more balanced to start the day, happier, more able to deal with the messes and such that come my way.

    I’ve also received some great insights into myself, which I’ve needed. I’ve been cruising on autopilot for a very long time, much longer than I should estimate. I’d hate to say I’ve been going along without really thinking or feeling my way through things for at least the last 15 years since I came to New Jersey. In the beginning, I didn’t pay much attention to how I was feeling, except when things would become too overwhelming.

    A few years in, I became more attentive to myself, but still, the intention was more so to get myself and keep myself going well enough to get through the days. I was unemployed for a good while and had to prevent myself from falling completely into an abyss. Once I began working at my current job, the goal was to maintain my mental and emotional balance to get through the days. I’ve done that. One day a couple of weeks ago, one of my coworkers saw me becoming emotional because of changes coming in my life and she remarked that she’d never seen me off like that. My “behind the scenes” work did well.

    The blinds cracked open when I was in school while working. I’ve heard many times people talking about how the experience of working and going to school being a grind, the combination of the two being a sap of energy and time, some of which could be better spent perhaps cooking or eating or reading a book or something.

    My experience was far different. Probably because I was at school doing scenes from Chekhov and Lanford Wilson plays, making wacky performance art, and being as creative as I could in all of my classes. It fed me. I’m not a dancer, but doing plies and tendus and moving to Kylie Minogue and doing weird dancing routines in NYC Subway, that fed me. Going to the gym after class and work, that fed me. Acting on stage again fed me. Writing and directing my own work, that fed me.

    Once that was done and I was back to just working, I was back to running on auto again. Aside from the past couple of weeks, I’ve done morning pages pretty consistently for the last 15 years. I probably wasn’t doing them right because I still didn’t get the kind of light flashed into myself that I had this morning.

    I started out thinking about personal power and where I’m living that or not living that. Moreso not living that. And how I could live it more. Where I needed it more (largely everywhere). And just that little bit of chipping knocked down a huge wall that I didn’t even know was there. If I’d had the right kind of sight, I would have seen this, but I didn’t until today and that’s fine.

    I’m missing passion and desire in my life.

    What a lesson to get on a Sunday morning.

    Passion and desire.

    As we often do when confronted with a tough, terrible truth, I resisted. For a few minutes. But once I gave up and surrendered to what my mind and more importantly, my life, was showing me, everything became clear.

    Take my art, for example.

    I last felt passion and desire, in mostly small measure, while I was at school. When I was writing and directing and acting, I was there, in the zone. Even still, I wasn’t ever 100% in any particular moment, I can say. My mind was focused on things like whether I was doing whatever I was doing well. Whether I was developing myself enough to have “earned the right” to do the work publicly on campus or elsewhere. Whether I could make a career of it once I got out of school and escape the workaday life making the computers work.

    I might have been 99% there when doing speeches or such, but never 100. I never got fully back to passion and desire, at least the way I had them and felt them when I was younger. I was too focused on what would come from what I was doing, instead of just doing them, feeling them.

    And as I was taking out the trash this morning, I couldn’t escape the fact that the reason I ever started doing any of this art –writing, acting, whatever– was the passion of it. It felt wonderful and exhilarating to do. The desire of it. The wanting of more. To be better. To go deeper. To go beyond.

    And forget the rest of my life. I lost much of that passion years ago, much of that desire. It’s hard to capture that feeling when you have to get focused in on some of the things I’ve had to focus in on in my daily life. When you hear about the financial issues of your job. Or when you feel like you’re not on solid footing there. If you’re not otherwise financially or otherwise free, the worry can take a toll and the toll can be that passion. It doesn’t have to be, but it can be. And it often is, for a lot of people, as I understand.

    Still, I feel a call this morning. Not to preach. Not to run out in the streets and scream or create a Happening. Not even to act. Not even to write anything. At least not in the same way I’ve been doing them. It’s not even a call to go home, not in the physical sense, since I’m home in Baltimore this morning and I’ll be back in New Jersey later, which I consider to be a second home.

    No, the call is to come back home, inside, to the passion and desire I’ve lost, missed over these years. It’s a call to decide on, demand on, living passionately. Living with desire. Going for more. Getting out of autopilot and away from the excuses to do so. To live on a higher flying plane, which is where I’ve decidedly not been for a long time. And to believe that whatever changes I inevitably have to make in my life (and ones that will themselves be made and resolved), that, as Gabby Bernstein says, the Universe has my back.

    Quite a bit to take in before today’s Ravens game, yes.

  • #30WriteNow

    Last night on Twitter, I saw the hashtag #30WriteNow come down my timeline. I figured, why not do it? I’d planned on coming back to writing after October 1, from a hiatus. I missed Day 1, but October has 31 days, so that’s no problem.

    How it works: http://msmarymack.com/2013/10/02/octobers-still-fresh-time-for-30writenow/

    The rules were simple: Every day of October, you write something for 30 minutes or one full page. It could be for your blog, an essay, your novel — doesn’t matter — just write! It’s about commitment, consistency. And for 30 days,* you strive to get it done. No editing or second-guessing what’s on the page, just write. Write now.

    It’s a freewrite, so it’s the writing, with no, straight from the dome. If you don’t like reading such things, don’t. This material may also show up elsewhere later. I’ll be participating all October. It’ll be interesting as I have big changes happening in my life. Here goes.

  • Watch This Space

    I’ll be back after October 1.

  • App Review: Google Duo

    Three or so years or so ago, my father asked me if I’d be interested in joining in a group video chat on Oovoo. He’d seen one of his grandchildren using it, become interested and wanted to host a multiperson video chat. I agreed, because why not?, set up my iPad 2 in the dining room and joined him and several other folks for a multi-state, multi-generational, multi-platform video chat.

    For him, it was a novelty and he never agreed to do another, usually under the guise of not remembering exactly how to work the software. Too bad.

    Meanwhile, on the other side of the family, we haven’t done very much video chatting; my cousin Tim and I have done a couple of Facetime calls. I’ve been wanting to get him and his soon-to-be-three-year-old together on cam mostly so I can do all the stupid voices and stuff grownups do to entertain young kids. Maybe one of these days.

    My little cousin also has a habit of calling me from my aunt’s phone. She decides she wants to talk to me, then tells my aunt to dial the number and off they go.

    I’ve been trying to get my aunt into doing video for a long time now. We just replaced her Windows phone with an Android, so now she has Hangouts again. Which she doesn’t like. She doesn’t like anything on the phone that’s not easy. Which, for her and quite a few folks I know, Hangouts is not.

    Enter Duo.

    Back when Google announced Duo, they promised a dead simple video experience and Duo is exactly that. Whereas Hangouts requires you to have a friend list inside of the app, which you might or might not have, Duo only requires a telephone number and works with your existing contacts list. No Google account required. All you do is fire up the app, tap the button to make a video call, then either search your contacts or type the number you want to call.

    On the other end, the recipient will see your name, number, and just as Google demonstrated back in May, video from your camera, a.k.a Knock Knock. Once the recipient accepts and starts the call, you can do the usual actions such as muting yourself and switching the camera. By default, your caller’s video plays on the larger part of the screen and your video plays in a smaller, cornered circle. You can change this and view your own video on the larger part of your screen.

    However, unlike Facetime and Hangouts, you can’t turn the camera off.

    One might consider turning the camera off as defeating the purpose of using the app, but you may be interested in doing a voice-only VoIP call or perhaps a call to a computer. That’s not what this is.

    To that point, I couldn’t install Duo on my Galaxy Note tablet. I’m able to send and receive SMS messages from that tablet, so I imagine Duo might have worked the same way it did on my phone had the install gone through. If you want or need video calling on your Android tablet, you’ll probably have to stick with Hangouts or your other preferred app.

    The install worked on my iPad, but with the device unable to receive SMS, there was no way to set up the app without an iPhone. Which I don’t have. Oh well.

    As far as Duo’s settings go, you can turn off the vibration during ringing as well as Knock Knock, which will prevent video from your camera playing before the call is answered. You can also block numbers and limit the amount of mobile data used.

    Video and audio quality were good over both WiFi and 4G/LTE.

    Duo’s best feature is way beneath the hood: end-to-end encryption. If you have to say something you’re concerned will be intercepted, Duo’s your app. I wasn’t going to talk about saucy chat, but yeah, it’s probably good for things like saucy chat. But I’m not saying to use it for that.

    A couple of items to bring up while discussing this app: carrier-supported video calling and iOS 10 VoIP integration.

    I have T-Mobile and I can call other T-Mobile users as well as those whose MVNOs piggyback on T-Mobile (I’ve video called a Family Mobile user). Other carriers have video calling as well. As it stands now, I can initiate T-Mobile video calls directly from contacts or the phone dialer, which is more convenient than jumping into an app. Duo hooks into your contacts, but you can’t go into your contacts and launch Duo from there to make a call.

    iOS 10 will allow people to use the app of their choice to make a call. And like Facetime and Hangouts now, some of these other apps will allow calls to and from devices like tablets and computers.

    For an app like this, I’d like tighter integration into the phone’s dialer, but I can say the same with being able to launch Hangouts or whatever other app I might want to use to make a call, a la iOS 10. And in a world where that tighter integration is the norm, aside from its ease and encryption, I’m not sure long term, where Duo fits in. If the carriers allow inter-carrier video calling, how many will be willing to sacrifice privacy for ease of use?

    But that’s a question for another day.

    Back in today, overall, Duo does one thing and it does it pretty well. And easily, which means it might be the app that gets my auntie into video and when my little cousin is with her, I can make my stupid grownup faces and voices and entertain her.

    Google Duo for Android
    Google Duo for iOS

  • National Book Lovers Day

    National Book Lovers Day. Going to answer some questions I saw on Twitter earlier.

    The Fire Next Time.

    I always find myself talking about this book. Each time I’m asked what my favorite book is or if someone asks for a book I think they should read, for whatever reason, I always come back to it. Specifically the Letter from a Region of My Mind.

    I think it’s one of the best essays ever written, if I may humbly say so. Baldwin not only sketches a broad picture of Black life in the early 1960’s, he places himself and his particular life and pains and joys in this world, creating a more complete and vibrant image of it was like to be Black back then. One that is still relevant today.

    But the policemen were doing nothing now. Obviously, this was not because they had become more human but because they were under orders and because they were afraid. And indeed they were, and I was delighted to see it. There they stood, in twos and threes and fours, in their Cub Scout uniforms and with their Cub Scout faces, totally unprepared, as is the way with American he-men, for anything that could not be settled with a club or a fist or a gun. I might have pitied them if I had not found myself in their hands so often and discovered, through ugly experience, what they were like when they held the power and what they were like when you held the power.

    http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1962/11/17/letter-from-a-region-in-my-mind

    My favorite part, and probably my most favorite sections of any book, ever, is when he has dinner at the home of Elijah Muhammad. I was going to talk about why I love it so much, but you have to go read it, if you haven’t. Perhaps, you’ll like it to.

    The last book I read cover to cover? Probably a play. I can’t think of one right now, since my books are scattered between here and home. I often read a book, jump to another book, come back, go back and read previous chapters. So I haven’t really read one in a long time. Even on my “Now” page, I’m not reading the books whose titles I post there, cover to cover.

    I should read a book cover to cover.

    Genre is one of those things that’s more suited for the bookstore than for the bookshelf at home, but I will say Essay. If that’s not acceptable to you, consider it to be Creative Nonfiction, even though that encompasses several genres. Otherwise, put me down for drama. Then poetry.

    It’s like recommending a way to prepare chicken, but I’ll give it a try just the same — Reality Hunger by David Shields. Ask me another time of day and I’ll give another title. How about Silver Sparrow by Tayari Jones? Book of Days by Lanford Wilson? (I did a scene from that in an acting class. Had a ball).

    I think I’ll do some reading tonight. Perhaps Baldwin’s Letter.

  • Galaxy Note 7 – On the Surface

    (This is the first post in a new section I’m developing on tech, where I’ll be giving my thoughts on issues in tech, perspectives on devices, how-to’s, and other cool stuff.)

    I was very fortunate that the few of my coworkers who came over to my area during the Samsung GN7 reveal came to talk to my boss. I was able to watch the entire nearly hour long program without distraction. Quite an accomplishment, I must say.

    I did still remain somewhat productive, answering emails and doing a few other odd items, but then again, staying up on the latest technology should be part of my job. Even if it’s likely nobody at my job will ever get one of these things, except for me.

    Anyway, onto my impressions from far away from the event and watching online and looking at YouTube videos about the phone after the fact. Yay. I should have gone to New York for this. I’ll probably end up going to something boring next time I’m in New York doing a tech event.

    First Impression: It’s the GS7 Edge Note

    My initial impression was that this basically the GS7 Edge Note. It very much is, both in looks and under the hood. Maybe it’s my eyes, but it looked pretty much like the S7 Edge, but with the pen dock on the bottom and a USB type-C port.

    Outside of S-Pen and the iris scanning, the specs are largely the same. Same processor and clock speed. RAM. You get base 64GB of storage vs. the base 32GB in the GS7’s, but the same amount of expandable storage possibilities. Screen is slightly larger than the Edge as you’d expect.

    Water resistance seems to be the same as the GS7’s, including the S-Pen. You can apparently write under water with the thing, should you so choose.

    Battery is slightly beefier than the S7 Edge. Fast wireless charging is part of the deal, too.

    Software wise, largely the same but with a few differences. Among them are a revamped settings menu and camera controls, but you do get the Edge apps that are present on the GS7 Edge. Even though I’ve been a fan of Samsung’s devices for a while now, it is annoying when I see them put a feature on a phone released a short while after the phone I have and that feature not make it over to my phone. I wonder if S7 and S7 Edge users will feel the same about some of the software changes.

    Samsung says the HDR video playback as well as video gameplay will be superb and features like that will appeal to quite a few people who watch more video and actually play games on their phones. I’m not that person as I like tablets for watching video and consoles for playing games. They claim that games playable on this phone will be console level, but I’ve been considering the nVidia K1 (or X1) tablet for mobile gaming, should I get more serious about it. Again, I like screens even larger than phablets for some things. I need to get new glasses soon. Might have something to do with that.

    The Note also comes with a secure folder, more on that below.

    Despite all the similarities to the S7 series, this is still a Note, so you get …

    The S-Pen

    Everything you could do before with your S-Pen, you can this time around, but now, you can do some cool things with the S-Pen like create .gifs from content on your screen. The pen can translate words to different languages on the fly as well as magnify the screen. The tip has been made thinner for more precision and Samsung says they’ve improved touch sensitivity for the pen.

    Actually, let me backtrack. I kinda don’t care about the whole .gif thing. I just don’t. It’s something I’d probably never use. I’m not 15 and haven’t been for more than 15 years.

    They’ve also fixed an issue with Note 5’s where you could put the S-Pen into the phone incorrectly and break the pen. Never had that issue with my Note 4.

    Iris Scanning

    This might actually be cool all around for some folks.

    MKBHD tries this out and it works well for him. I’ve been reading all along that the scanning wouldn’t work well for people with glasses and since I wear them, I wasn’t sure this would be a huge selling point for me. Besides, I’m not ready for a biometric way of opening my phone. I don’t use thumb prints now for the same reason. I’m old fashioned. I like passwords. I promise the scene in Demolition Man where Simon Phoenix carves out the warden’s eyeball for retina scan has nothing to do with how I feel about this.

    I also like knowing that if necessary, I can enter my password incorrectly a bunch of times and blow up the phone, without it possibly being held up to my face to open it. When I drive, my exceedingly long password dissuades me from texting and driving as sometimes, it takes the better part of a red light cycle just to open my phone. Forget about even trying to open the thing while driving. My significant other will attest to this. I’m not turning off my screen lock or from passwords until I have to.

    However, the aspect of iris scanning I do like that will ship with the phone is the secure folder. Note 7’s will have a Knox-secured folder into which users can put content and even apps and the only way into the folder is through the iris scanner. I don’t hand my phone over to people often, but in the event that I do, I like knowing I can put apps like for things like text messaging into a folder that it’s likely only I will ever have access to. I can surely see myself using the iris scanner for this purpose, even if I plan to keep using passwords to open the phone as long as they’re available. I pretty much keep just cat pictures and selfies in my phone’s gallery, but that doesn’t mean I want anyone swiping through it and if I get a Note 7, I won’t have to worry about that.

    Samsung also says they’re working with several banks to bring iris scanning into the security of mobile apps. If I can add an iris scan to the login credentials of one of my banking apps, that’s certainly something I’d be interested in, as well.

    Plus, there are other security minded or focused apps that require additional login credentials aside from the lock screen and it’s possible that one day, those may adopt iris scanning as an additional credential you can use to secure those apps. As others have said, this may be a gimmick now, but down the line, I’m sure it will prove to be useful for phone security.

    Overall

    I’m a fan of the Note series, having used Note 4 phone and the Note Tablet 10.1 (2014), even though it’s never gotten that update to Marshmallow, for a couple of years now. I love the S-Pen more than regular styluses and I’ve bought a bunch of regular styluses for use on my iPad. The S-Pen has come in handy in a few places where I’ve been without a full keyboard, where I’ve needed to jot things down that I could transcribe later.

    I also did talk myself into it at the office yesterday. The CEO was in a meeting with a bunch of interns. He’d been having issues with duplicate contacts showing up on his iPhone 6. I went in there while he was talking to the interns to get the phone and assess the situation. And I may have also talked about how good the Note 7 was, relative to the CEO’s current phone and it’s likely successor; I may have also mentioned that my Note 4 was holding up well against Apple’s current generation of iPhones. And that my next phone would be the Note 7. I put it out there a little bit. Nobody’s going to remember except me, but still, I did talk a lot of trash.

    So, I’m inclined to buy the phone. However, at its price point, I need to consider if the newer features are worth the super premium price. The phone itself is a huge upgrade from the Note 4, but the S-Pen functionality I can see myself using isn’t really changed. The secure folder is a very welcome addition for me, but that’s something that seems like it might actually show up in the Note’s less expensive S7 cousins.

    It does have the Edge apps, which are really cool and one of Samsung’s best innovations, I think. Being able to glance and get sports scores and other information on that edge is something that’s very appealing. But are those worth the extra dollars? That’s what I need to find out.

    Overall, Samsung appears to be playing both sides. It’s rolling out new features, but it’s hedging the success of the S series, even so far bringing the Note numbering scheme in line with the S7’s. Note 7 looks like it’ll be quite the phone. And like the U.S.S. Enterprise on Star Trek (prime universe), it’ll be the flagship; still though, it’s not the first of its class (if you’re not a Trekkie/Trekker, trust me on this). It feels more like the biggest variant of the S7 than the top of its own line. That’s not bad, but it’s good to know going forward if the Note will be in line with the S line of phones or if they’ll be large jumps from the S phones, as in iterations past.

    During the event, they also mentioned some new VR stuff and I think some Gear Fit stuff, but I don’t care about any of that. I’d stopped watching closely as it was. I’m more concerned with how this phone will work with my current Chromebook and/or a new Chromebook I might get around Christmas time.

    Looks like pre-ordering is on now. Available in stores on 8/19, should you feel like braving lines. I don’t. I’ve never gotten to the phone carrier store when they’ve had stock. It’s like millennials’ bodies are all trained to get up an hour or two earlier on phone release day or something. I like hitting that snooze button.

    Will someone make a decent privacy screen protector for this phone?

  • Chesapeake Writers Conference – Day 5

    Day five, the final day, is in the books down here at the Chesapeake Writers Conference.

    Kids and Food

    The boys were present at lunch, dressed in their khakis, blue shirts, and ties. Highly presentable, very tasteful. As usual, they sung at dinner. I’m glad I was sitting in the back, since the baritones were back there again. I always enjoy hearing the baritone and bass parts in choral music.

    I haven’t mentioned what I’ve been eating during these forays into the dining hall, but at dinner, I had tilapia and a couple of burgers. I was the only person at the table not eating any salad, but I’ll be certainly doing so once I’m outta here. I have not kept keto this week, but I’ve done my best to go crazy on protein. When I get back home, I’ll add the fats back in, the coconut and MCT oil. I’ll be on track again quickly.

    Craft Talk

    Angela gave an awesome talk this morning with tips on revising your work. Some of them like reading your work out loud and taking some time away from your first draft, were things I’d heard before.

    But things like cutting the word “feel” from your writing, was one I hadn’t heard and I thought about it, it made perfect sense. Show how your character feels through description and verbs. You don’t have to say how your character feels.

    Also, her tip on cliche ideas was well worth the price of admission (LOL). Write towards something other than a resolution that everything is okay. She talked about the inner plot and the physical plot and all the lovely things I like about drama (we just use slightly different terms for the same thing; I use Richard Toscan’s terms “emotional plot” and “suspense plot”. I’m a playwright).

    She also talked about removing parentheticals (which I obviously love) as well as clauses inside of dashes –I love those, too–. I consider myself a dashmaster. I’ll go into the kitchen and get a canister of Mrs. Dash and sprinkle it in my notebook. I love dashes. It’s going to be hard to wean myself off of them.

    Great way to end a week of craft talks.

    Workshop

    Today was my essay’s day to be workshopped. I submitted a lyric essay. Without going into everything that was said –because I took several pages of notes I haven’t transcribed and don’t plan to post them anyway– the process was one of the best workshop processes I’ve ever been inside of.

    One of the issues I’ve had with workshops is people stating their critiques with the proviso, “if I were writing this.” I hate that. You’re not writing this. I’m writing this. I’m not interested in where you would take the story because it’s my story and I’m interested in where you think I should take it, given what you see and where I might think I want to take it.

    And what I got in this workshop was exactly what I wanted — people’s thoughts on what they read and where they thought I could take it to make it better. And most of my fellow participants’ comments were right on the money. I’d originally written the story during my Creative Nonfiction online class and I was on very strict word limits. The essay ended up being quite bare, even as far as lyric essays go, but Angela and my fellow participants gave me some great ideas for how to flesh it out and make it into something more full, especially now that I’m not on any particular word limit.

    One question I did have was this: in terms of narrative structure, I thought the lyric essay eschewed the normal structure. However, we did discuss the essay in those terms. However, Angela made the point that instead of following a strict arc, what might be desirable is to increase in detail so that the reader gets a broader view of what’s being discussed (and in terms of this essay, hopefully a raison d’etre). That’s something I’ve had issues with in my own lyric essay practice, so I’m grateful to have a specific answer from someone who is practicing the form professionally right now.

    Lecture

    Instead of straight lecture, Matt Hall sang some songs, read us a children’s book he wrote, and gave us a presentation on Dada. Since he mentioned the Neo-Dadaists, I told him I wish he’d do John Cage’s 4’33”; he told me he’d thought about it, but didn’t have the time.

    Patricia Henley read from one of her stories. I wish maybe she’d had a few folks read from her play. I know we were here for fiction, non-fiction, and poetry, but Matt Hall was up there singing songs. Why couldn’t have had a few pages or perhaps a whole scene of a play read?

    Other good stuff …

    Since craft talk started at 10:30, I had time to sleep in and write morning pages. I got some breakfast then sat outside of the Daily Grind and wrote several pages longhand. Yes.

    I’ve been typing all my freewrites and with all the typing for these blog posts, it felt good to get back to handwriting my thoughts and not just taking notes.

    #

    As I was walking very slowly on the path towards the dining hall for dinner, one of the student staff members working for the reunion stopped her Cub Cadet next to me on the path and asked me nicely if I was looking for something.

    Normally, my reaction to such a question is to get ornery because hell, I paid my money to be here like everybody else. However, I told her I wasn’t looking for anything, but I would take a ride the rest of the way to the dining hall if she was going in that direction. She was.

    Too bad she wasn’t going back and forth when we came out of lecture.

    #

    My co-participant’s 7 month old was in the dining hall at dinner. On the way to lecture, I took off my hat and showed it to him and asked him if he could say “Orioles.” He looked and grinned at the Oriole bird. Another converted, confirmed, passionate O’s fan. And while mommy was wearing a Nationals shirt. Sweet.

    Not so good stuff …

    During workshop, one of the participants, who’s also been acting as a student staff member, received a call from the conference director, looking for me. I’d been parked outside of DPC and the events staff was upset that a car was blocking the area behind the townhouses. They were trying to unload items needed for the setup for this evening’s concert on the townhouse greens.

    I wasn’t back there, but he asked me to move anyway. I go over to DPC and there are eight other cars over there, a few of which weren’t even inside of parking spots like I was. I figured it was some personal bullshit and just moved it because I wanted to get back to workshop and didn’t feel dealing with anybody who might have had some static.

    I noticed that there was indeed a car parked directly behind the townhouses.

    By the time I’d gotten back within sight of the building, I noticed that somebody had indeed parked in the spot that I’d just vacated and none of the other cars had moved. I noticed the car behind the townhouses was still there.

    I went back to workshop and cooled off, both inside and out. Then I finally got the email about the car that they were looking for and a text that it wasn’t me they needed to move. Right.

    After workshop, the same car blocking the rear of the townhouses was still there. A couple of spaces on the side of DPC had opened up, though. So I put my bags in the flat and walk up to Lot R to get the car and put it back on the side of DPC.

    However, Public Safety was blocking the road going back directly to DPC and were guiding people to Lot R to park for the concert. One lady tried talking to the officers for several minutes and she got turned away.

    I thought about going the other way around campus, but I didn’t know whether Public Safety would let me back on campus on the other side of DPC and if not, whether my good parking space where I was would be there. I let discretion win instead of emotion and just left the car there. It was a good spot and with people arriving for a reunion as well as some Boy Scout thing I saw signs for, leaving it right there was the better play. In the morning, I’ll just walk up and get it and put it right behind the townhouses to load up.

    I hope it’s not this complicated every year.

    Now that it’s over …

    I don’t want it to be. A few of us walking up the path from dinner agreed on this feeling. All of us would love to be able to wake up, write, learn about writing, write some more, etc. on a daily basis. This was a wonderful week and I do not want to go back home. I told our HR director at work I probably wouldn’t want to and I don’t. Tomorrow, I want to wake up, write morning pages, find some food, do more writing, go to a lecture, something. I don’t want to get back on the road and leave this place, doing these things. It’s probably going to take me some time to get back into my usual routine, such is the momentum that I built up here, momentum that I don’t want to lose.

    I’m so tired right now, but it’s that good tired. That tired when you not only know you worked hard, but you worked towards something that you really wanted. Accomplished something. I don’t know, though, if I’ll sleep well because I’m tired or if I’ll be excited and sleep fitfully because I’m so ready to get back up and write again.

    #

    I think I’m going to keep waking up at 6:30 daily and write, but I’m going to work on my projects much more than I do and not rely on that after-work time to complete them, as that hasn’t been working the best for me.

    Now that I have some better pointers for revision, I’m going to revise some old projects (perhaps I’ll reserve the evenings for blogging and revision) because I see now that I have to get more work out there, including a book. It’s a goal I’ve been working towards, but now I need to go even harder.

    These are my initial thoughts on the week now that it’s over, but I’ll still be writing a full postmortem, which I’ll begin on Saturday at some point.

  • Chesapeake Writers Workshop – Day 4, parts 2/3 and 3/3

    The rest of Day 4 here at the Chesapeake Writers Conference is in the books. Part 1/3 here.

    Workshop (2/3)

    Pretty fantastic. We discussed the publishing panel from this morning. As I said I would, I asked Angela about publishing longer creative nonfiction and she did give a more concrete answer, different from the morning. She said to treat it more like general nonfiction.

    I have now really three answers, but Angela’s the one with one such book published and one she’s working on, so she’s been through the process and is in it right now. And you know what they say about walking in the paths made by those who have done what you want to do. And if you don’t, brush up on your cliches.

    We also discussed the lyric essay, the first cousin of the prose poem, my favorite type of essay. The lyric essay’s definition and characteristics are quite tricky, but they’re fun to read and write. I wrote one as my start-of-workshop freewrite.

    All of us wrote some pretty good ones during the end-of-session writing time. And the best part is that as you’re gathering these ideas that comprise your lyric essay, there’s nothing that says you can’t take them individually and expand upon them.

    My workshop essay for tomorrow is one, too. We’ll see how that goes.

    Evening Lecture (3/3)

    First, Liz Arnold talked about Ezra Pound’s Cantos. Then we had a second participant reading. I should have read, but I was thinking I’d have to read an essay, since CNF is the workshop I’m in. However, I would read a few poems. Maybe next year. Maybe if I come back next year, I’ll go into the poetry workshop. We’ll see.

    Food and Kids

    No problems at lunch or dinner. I wasn’t there.

    Other good stuff …

    I took another trip off campus with another workshop participant, a guy who’s from here and was filling me in on a lot of St. Mary’s history –both the College and the County– that I’d missed and talking about the stuff I did remember. I enjoyed that a lot. Well worth the time spent. I’m very grateful.

    The Improv participant, also from the area, agreed to ask their folks about a particular location on Great Mills Road that I remember, but not totally. It closed down because of health code violations back in the day, but I’ve been trying to remember the name and possibly write about it or at least put the issue to bed so I can complete this remembrance and put it to bed.. And now, I’ve not only come back, but I’ve met folks who have been helping me. What a time.

    Whatever strong is, that’s how I’m going to finish tomorrow.

    There will be a postmortem for this, perhaps more than one.

  • Baltimore Needs Some Wins

    Resignation over Goodson verdict, and the larger problems raised by death of Freddie Gray

    Dominic Nell left work at a Baltimore summer camp Thursday afternoon, rode the subway home to West Baltimore to find a veritable skyline of satellite trucks, boom microphones and cameras.

    Source: www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/freddie-gray/bs-md-ci-goodson-reaction-20160623-story.html

     

    I texted my cousin shortly after the verdict was read. I asked him what the mood of the people was in the streets, how folks were feeling, was anything going on. He replied: “streets are quiet, we knew the verdicts last year.”

    Later, I read the article linked above. My cousin isn’t the only one who felt the same way. Everyday folks interviewed on WBAL Radio were saying the same thing.

    Regardless of how well or poorly the state made their case or how well or poorly the defense represented Officer Goodson, it’s likely a lot of people felt the fix was coming. A lot of people have given up on the notion that there’s going to be justice for themselves and people who look like them in Baltimore.

    It’s part of a larger notion of powerlessness. Check the election turnout numbers for years in Baltimore. Many just don’t participate. They feel like nothing’s going to happen for them through politics. You wonder why some would take things as far last year as they did? They don’t feel like they have any other voice.

    Whether the state whiffed completely, there are going to be people who want to know how Freddie Gray could be put into the police van and come out almost dead on the other end and nobody is going to be held responsible.

    The lawyers on the radio were explaining how there’s a difference between that which happened being a criminal matter vs. being a civil matter. All of that may be true and accurate, but most people around town aren’t lawyers. All they know is Freddie Gray went in and came out almost dead and nobody is so far being held responsible for this violence. Just like other times in the City’s recent history.

    Can anybody blame them for feeling like the criminal justice system overall, isn’t for them?

    When the City is about to essentially take out a half a billion dollar or more loan to build up Port Covington, but people don’t see any changes or development going on in their neighborhood, it’s easy to see why they would give up on participating in the system. What’s the point of calling up City Hall when you’re not a developer and they seem like the only ones who can get anything changed?

    Baltimore really needs some wins. Not ones that are going to cost $535M in taxpayer-backed money, but Baltimore needs some big, high profile wins. Outside of Downtown or Harbor East. In the “real” Baltimore.

    Not for outsiders who won’t think Baltimore’s anything anyway, but for the people there who you can maybe make give a damn or better, feel like they have some kind of ownership.

    The O’s are in first place with the All Star Break around the corner, but while an O’s World Series win would be big, that’s not what Baltimore needs. The Ravens have had two Super Bowl wins in the last 15 calendar years and while those were edifying to the community psyche, those weren’t enough and won’t be enough now. They’ll play a role if they happen, but more needs to happen.

    The Red Line could have played a part, but that’s gone now and besides, I’m not sure how well the powers-that-be made the case for how good the line could have been for communities along its flanks. MTA is about to begin holding community workshops about the replacement BaltimoreLink bus plan, but is that even a worthy substitute for everything the Red Line maybe could have done, had it been given the chance to succeed as light rail has done in other cities? Maybe it will. For the sake of the City, I hope it does because I don’t think they’ll ever build the Red Line or anything like it. Definitely not during my lifetime, if it does.

    Suffice it to say, this is the kind of thing Baltimore needs. And it needs a bunch of them.

    It needs the kind of things that don’t leave the majority of Baltimore residents out of the loop, out of the process, and out of the prosperity.

    Otherwise, people who don’t live or work or play in places like Harbor Point or Port Covington will continue to feel isolated and hurt and that at best, the city doesn’t care about them or that worst, the city is outright hostile to them.

    The city needs to show that it’s committed to justice and fairness for all of its residents. Catherine Pugh is going to be Mayor, everybody knows it. She needs to lead in that way or else years from now, we’ll be even more generations into the kind of apathy and disenfranchisement that’s helped to get Baltimore into the position that it’s in now.