A Life For Itself

Author: Christopher A. Kess

  • No Resolutions

    I’m not resolving anything. Chances are, if you made resolutions, you may have already broken one or two. Or several. Or all of them.

    You come up with a list of things you think you want to do and if you really want to do them and they’re really something you believe you can do (and perhaps consistently), you’ll do those things. Otherwise, you won’t. Since resolutions are generally related to things we want to change, if you’re not ready for those changes (or change in general), you can forget it.

    No judgment. We’re all like this.

    Given that, I decided not to make any resolutions. I forgave myself from looking at a list of shiny new things that might look good or make me feel good if I accomplished them.

    I might not believe I’m capable of those specific things.

    For instance, I might not believe I’m capable of really completing another book.

    I bet if I resolved to write another one, I might not make it. By the end of next week, it might be all over. Not wanting to set myself up to fail at things, I instead, I made decisions on who I wanted to be.

    Deciding the kind of person you want to be takes the edge off. For me, it feels easier to grow into a role or idea of who I want to be or lifestyle, rather than committing to a list of specific things.

    Take losing weight as the resolution. Instead of that, the decision is to be the kind of person who eats healthy and exercises. When I make that commitment and take the actions and create a habit, my mind can wrap itself around doing the things that support losing weight. Not changing my mind and simply giving myself a bunch of things to do without making a habit or making the whole enterprise believable, is a recipe for failure.

    Consider something like becoming Vegan. Within that lifestyle, there are certain practices, which are all easier to adopt once you’ve made the decision not to do those things, but to be the kind of person who does those things.

    Plus, deciding who you want to be is much more fluid. You may think who you want to be is one way and does a specific set of things. You may get down the road some and make new insights. With a list of resolutions, you’re either expanding your list or editing your list. When you’re practicing a lifestyle, it’s easier to make adjustments. That’s also a much more fulfilling and fun way to live, adding and refining for yourself, the new way you’ve decided to live.

    I’m not sharing all my decisions, but with respect to this site, I’m deciding to be a more professional writer. With that comes with continuing to develop my writing habit, including blogging more. Becoming better at generating ideas and submitting more are part of the territory too. All of those things as disparate things would overwhelm me. Instead, adopting the lifestyle, growing my mind more into it and going from there feels more more freeing. It’s not simply a challenge to overcome, but a higher ideal to live into.

  • Medically Induced Sojurn

    (Entirely paraphrased)

    It’s a good thing you came in when you did, you might have died if you’d waited too long.

    Or at the very least, lost your arm.

    It’s an abscess.

    We’re probably going to need to lance it.

    (Are they using swords in the operating room these days?)

    Surgery.

    Surgery? Like putting me out, surgery?

    Yes, surgery. With you under anesthesia.

    Really?

    If we don’t and this infection spreads, you might still die.

    Well, hello to all of you doctors, bumrushing me with this news. Telling me I might die when you’ve barely introduced yourselves — that’s really heavy. Can I at least get a loved one here before you go telling me you’re cutting me open, lest I probably die soon?

    I haven’t had any fevers by the way. Since I’ve been asked approximately 73 times since I’ve been in this hospital if I’ve had any, I take it that’s important. And since I haven’t had any, I wonder if this is really as serious as you’re making it out to be. As serious as my needing to be rushed into surgery in the next couple of hours.

    Are night sweats as terrible a symptom as the fevers? I only ask because I have had those the last couple of nights … oh, they’re not? Then can we pump the brakes on you putting me under? The anesthesia sounds scarier than the actual infection.

    It’s an abscess.

    There’s no antibiotic you can give me that’s going to help? Surgery is the only way? What about after the surgery? You’ve got painkillers for sure, but aren’t you going to give me at least some antibiotics? Oh, they’ll work then?

    You won’t know how bad this is until you get the pictures from the CT scan? Then, you’ll be ready to go slicing me up?

    Well, it’s now busted open and is starting to pus. You said if it drained, that was good and I could avoid all this.

    Put this on there.

    Nurse, why are you smooshing it with a gauze pad? Shouldn’t we be pinching it or something to make it pus or bleed more or something? No?

    (I’m going to have to figure out how to sleep with a butterfly clip in my arm? Guess I can’t sleep as wildly as I normally do.)

    You don’t drink this contrast. We put it through your IV. You’ll feel warm inside.

    Why didn’t all of you tell me the contrast might make me nauseous before putting me into the machine? I just tried to throw up in your machine. The welt on my arm you intend to cut off isn’t nearly as painful as this even though it’s large enough to fit a small taquito inside it. Did I mention that I tried to alleviate this pain by throwing up in your machine? I had a bagel earlier. I tried to leave it in your machine.

    (Later)

    Looks like we won’t have to do surgery. It’s just on the skin.

    Splendid.

    Yeah, you squeezing this thing like tomato sauce in a tube stings like you’re jabbing something into it, but if the alternative is being put under, squeeze away.

    Let’s make the hole bigger to help it drain.

    And now, you are jabbing long Q-Tips into it. Again, better than the alternative, but I wish I’d gotten some of those painkillers we discussed before. I’ve been in hospitals before. Isn’t there some button I can press that automatically dispenses painkillers?

    Oh, you’re just going to give me antibiotics and see how it responds? We’ve come full circle, haven’t we?

    (The next day)

    We may need to lance it.

    (Are we going to Medieval Times for this procedure?)

    The doctors yesterday said there wasn’t going to be any surgery.

    Different team, different diagnosis? Kinda sounds like literature class as much as biology class, but what do I know?

    (Later.)

    Oh, no surgery? You saw the pictures. Just a skin infection? Swell. I’ll just chill here with these antibiotics.

    This tomato soup is the best. Send me more of this. The chicken is pretty good, too, but the gravy needs some seasoning. Should I send out for a bottle of Mrs. Dash?

    More antibiotics.

    You’ll have to lay on here while we wheel you to your new room.

    I have an infection on my arm, but my legs are fine.

    It’s mandatory.

    Fine. I’ll play along.

    (The next day)

    We’re here to take your vitals.

    What time is it?

    5:30

    Well, I’m up. Painkillers are still working. You need more blood? How much blood do you need? Are you keeping some for me for later? Forget it. I feel too good. Take all you need. I’m going back to sleep.

    (Later)

    Yeah, it’s going down.

    The infection is sensitive to the antibiotics.

    (I’d rather not know what would happen if it wasn’t sensitive to the antibiotics.)

    I can go home?

    We’re sending you home with a prescription. More antibiotics.

    You don’t say …

  • Five Things – 26 November 2015

    Five Things – 26 November 2015

    1.

    This came out …

    2. Another video came out, too. Except this one depicted real violence — real, heartless, inhumane violence.

    16 shots.

    16 shots to a child.

    16 shots to a child not posing a threat.

    16 shots to a child walking away.

    Shots to a child already down on the ground.

    Then left to lay there and bleed out.

    Never lunged.

    Never punctured a tire.

    Never given a chance.

    The saddest part is that there may never have been a chance for justice had people not pressed for the video to come out.

    And people shot protestors in Minneapolis the night before the Chicago video came out.

    3.

    It’s now unfathomable how bad this Ravens season has been.

    And we won this game.

    At least Ed got the sendoff he deserved:

    Matt Schaub will take over the offense on Monday night vs. the Browns. Jimmy Clausen, signed during the week, will back him up. Looks like Buck Allen and Towson’s Terrance West will get the chance to show what they can do.

    What a season.

    4.

    Fall finale for Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D was excellent.

    I wasn’t as happy for the Blacklist finale. Didn’t like the killing of Reven Wright. I wonder if they have a device that the person in that job will always somehow end up getting killed.

    Didn’t like Dembe being arrested with Liz.  He was held captive by the Cabal and now he’s captured by the F.B.I.  He can’t catch a break this season and they had a good, little thing going at the start with the daughter and granddaughter.

    Aram came across like a 5th grader whose crush ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with another boy during lunchtime. I know Aram isn’t a main character, but his keeping Samar’s secret to the detriment of his feelings would have been more interesting than his running to Ressler and selling out Samar and Liz because he was hurt. Not saying he had to be Agent Fitz, but still. (Iain de Caesteker and Elizabeth Henstridge have both done some great work depicting this love triangle without the third party actually there.)  Samar’s going to be alright, though.  I haven’t forgotten that Red got her that job in the first place

    5.

    Be nice to your local retail workers this holiday season. And if you find a Patti Pie in the store, let me know somehow.

  • NaBloPoMo – Day 26

    Day 26

    If you’re celebrating Thanksgiving today (or even if you’re not!), tell us about the best cook in your family.

    —

    I might be the best cook in my family.  Through folks passing away, my increasing my skills, and my aunt (my mother’s sister) not cooking any these days, I might be.  The same way some team will win the NFC East this season and get to the playoffs, it might be me.

    Best thing I make is mac and cheese, which is ironic because I’m lactose intolerant.  I can hardly stand to eat the best thing I cook.  I take Lactaid, but it’s not always effective, so I make the mac and watch it be eaten.

    The key to a great mac and cheese is the bechamel. I will not say how I make mine or what I put in it, but when your bechamel is on point, you’re in there.

    I’m hoping to one day equal my aunt’s mac and cheese, which is still the best I’ve ever had.  At Thanksgiving, Christmas, any time she made mac and cheese, that was always the main event.  Those holidays were the best.  My mom made turkey or chicken most years.  Some of those earlier years, auntie would make ham steak, which when I ate pork, was a treat.  My aunt would make the mac and cheese, my aunt the mashed potatoes and/or potato salad.

    I couldn’t believe it when my aunt told me her mac and cheese secret ingredient.  I’m still tweaking mine to be as good.  My aunt has also shared the potato salad recipe with me, but I haven’t attempted it.  She and my mother made it the exact same way and it was so good, I’ve only had potato salad as good as theirs only once before.  I don’t want to disappoint myself.

    My older cousins and my great aunt had their recipe, which was, I’d say about 90% exactly like my mom and aunt’s recipe, but not exactly there.  Unfortunately, one or two times when they made theirs, I did tell them it wasn’t as good as my mother’s and aunt’s, which led to hurt feelings.  I apologize.

    One of my younger cousins puts it down in the kitchen, she says.  I’ve already challenged her to a cook off.  We’ll see if she accepts.  If she accepts, we’ll get some impartial judges to try it and see and if she wins, she can be considered the best.

    I’ll demand a rematch though.

  • NaBloPoMo – Day 25

    Day 25

    Do you think it’s better to be a recognized expert for one thing, or known to be really good at lots of things?

    —

    In the regular business world, it’s probably better to be known as an expert with a specific niche: you’re the motivation person, the management person, the software design person, whatever.  You get yourself recognized, people pay you for your expertise, you deliver it, everybody’s happy.  That becomes who you are.  At least until or unless you decide to make that u-turn and go do something else.  Then you start building your next identity.

    In the arts, you can get known as an expert at one thing or good at several things.  If you’re going to go the latter route, people say you should first get known for, I guess, your main thing.  Playwriting, painting, collage, acting, singing, whatever.  And then if you have interest, passion, purpose, or talent, or whatever, branch off to the next thing.

    The difference between the arts world and the business world is there is usually more leeway for you to jump and play around in the arts world.  In the business world, they’ll pidgeonhole you.  In the arts world, the bottom line is to share the work and make yourself known because you can be known as more than one thing.

     

  • NaBloPoMo – Day 24

    Day 24

    Who is an expert you admire and why?

    —

    When you’re into writing, literature, theatre, and acting, there are so many to choose from, if you’re really studying your craft.

    Just from people still living, I admire Dinty W. Moore, essayist.  He’s written my favorite books on creative nonfiction.  His way of explaining the genre has resonated with me the most.

     

    On the poetry front, E. Ethelbert Miller and Afaa Michael Weaver are my favorites.  I like Ethelbert’s work because of its accessibility.  It’s not the overly complicated, dense sort of poetry championed more in some circles.  It seems like he’s trying to communicate something and not hide it.  His poem “Nasrin” is my favorite poem, ever.

    I might be biased towards Afaa Weaver because he’s from wherE I’m from, but I also love how he blends the sensibilities he grew up with in Baltimore with the wisdom and experience he’s gained in China and from immersing himself in Chinese culture.

    For drama, I think Lynn Nottage is the best around right now, specifically because of “Ruined.”  I don’t normally read anything cover to cover in a sitting, but when I read “Ruined,” I couldn’t stop.  Everything about it was amazing: characters, setting, theme, everything.  It has to be one of the top plays last decade and since 2000.

    Actors* (I’ll just list a few favorites):

    Viola Davis and Meryl Streep: They’re my 1a and 1b.  Actually, they could fill the first several spots by themselves.  They’re achieving transcendence.  They’re that good.  Go watch “Doubt.”  Immediately.

    Chiwetel Ejiofor: Go watch “Tsunami: The Aftermath.”  He and Sophie Okonedo won Golden Globes for this.  They will break your heart in this.  When she grabs the child to pass off as the one she lost and he tries to stop her, that is one of the best scenes I’ve ever witnessed in anything.  The pathos is so deep.

    Al Pacino: Yeah, “The Godfather” and “Scarface.”  But really, for “Angels in America” and “Dog Day Afternoon.”

  • NaBloPoMo – Day 23

    Day 23

    What do you do better than anyone else?

    —

    Procrastination comes to mind.  I dozed off and did several other things while sitting in front of my laptop the other day, while trying to figure out what to write.  You’ll be reading this after I post it, but I watched some of the football game while writing this.

    I watched more of the game before posting this.  I won’t procrastinate as much tomorrow.  No game on.

     

  • NaBloPoMo – Day 22

    Day 22

    3-7.

    Forsett done for the season.

    Flacco done for the season.

    Steve Smith.

    Sizzle.

    This is completely new territory for Ravens fans.  2-7 was bad and surely something we’ve never experienced before.  But for the Ravens to now have a losing record and have lost the starting running back and quarterback in the same game, along with the #1 receiver and its best defender already, this is far and beyond anything we’ve ever seen in the history of the Ravens.

    Every Ravens fan could be forgiven if, up until today if they, like I was, just watching the season, enjoying it for what it was, and not worrying about it because next year would be different, but now feel anxiety about next year.  Joe will have an MRI tomorrow, but it isn’t even a given that he’ll be back for the start of 2016.

    Since the Ravens won their first Super Bowl, next year has almost always been a given for Ravens fans.  2002 was a wash, but they went 10-6 in 2003.  6-10 in 2005, 13-3 in 2006 (even if we lost at home to Manning in the playoffs).  5-11 in 2007, 11-5 in 2008.  But with now more uncertainty in the offense, who really knows what the team will even look like?  Will Joe come back in time to start the season?  If not, who’s the QB?  Will Forsett be back?  Will Breshad Perriman finally see the field?  If Joe’s back, will they even get to practice together before the season starts?

    Next year is all we have now, though, and already, Ravens fans are talking draft — will we take a QB with our first pick now?  What position will we ultimately pick in?

    Whether one has lost all hope for now or next year is all up to how good they think Ozzie and the front office as well as Joe’s doctors are.  Whether you think Steve Smith and Sizzle are coming back.  And if so, if you think they’ll still be good.  No matter what, this is all new and something I hope we don’t ever have to see again.

     

  • NaBloPoMo – Day 21

    Day 21

    My presentation didn’t suck.  Or at least my coworkers didn’t tell me it did.  They thanked me when I was done.

    I was concerned during the week about the content.  My boss and the head of the department whose team I was giving the training to had talked about what should be covered.  We came up with a good list of things, of which I filled in the details, but in the end, the presentation went in a different direction as the team themselves had a lot to say themselves about the system and the processes used to interact with it.

    I encouraged everyone to write down notes for ideas for improvement and send them to me.  I don’t know the degree to which their input is welcome in their department, but I want them to know that the IT department welcomes their comments and suggestions.  And critique.

    Presenting and training have officially become the best part of my job.  This isn’t any surprise.

    #

    Speaking of critique, I’m a week out from the writing workshop and need a writing workshop fix.  I may be addicted.  One of my resolutions for next year will be to do at least one workshop each month or to enroll in a few online classes or something.

     

  • NaBloPoMo – Day 20

    Day 20

    What do you hope happens by the end of this year?

    —

    I want to have in place a writing practice that works for me.  Writing every day has, even if I’m doing it so late that I don’t feel like posting it on time and ending up posting things I’ve written, way after the fact.  The next step is to figure out a time to write each day, since I’ve pretty much decided I am.

    I want to finish another draft of my newest play, beginning on December 1.  I want to write 2 1/2 pages of script every day between then and December 31.  I think it’s doable.

    I kinda hope I get an iPad Pro by the end of the year.